Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
You Might Also Like
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show