[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.