‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
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It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Can Happiness buy money?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota