Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.