just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
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things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
We’ve all been there
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?