To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
You Might Also Like
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble