Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.