Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“no gods no masters” = leo
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.