I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken