I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Day 2 of my diet
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*