I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
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My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
We’ve come full circle
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.