Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
You Might Also Like
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
ā½ļøyes
ā½ļøno
ā¾ļøother (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Time to go to the liquor store, Iām almost out of holiday spirit
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where weāre a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I canāt love her back. Itās nice when problems resolve themselves.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” š
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Iām not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied āyeah I donāt do that!ā instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Donāt get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone elseās kid for more than 4 hours.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someoneās neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long š
Me: so they donāt punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.