left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.