[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I like crazy people until they notice me
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.