You Might Also Like
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair