This is why I don’t delete Facebook
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[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW