Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.