I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
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“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Happy Halloween 🎃
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.