Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
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*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.