Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music