Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.