The three genders
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Love is always patient and kind.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar