You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
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I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Now this is how you LinkedIn
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.