If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.