Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.