Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”