*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
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*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Just a friendly reminder!
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?