I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
good morning
*updates tinder bio*
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.