More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
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Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
She puts the hot in psychotic
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO