Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
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I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
normalize having existential bread
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights