You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Are these grass-fed oranges?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
incredible
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.