Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Wikigenius
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
#NeverForget
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?