A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage