Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.