“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
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Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*