“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”