Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
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She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
When he asks for feet pics
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.