Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.