Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Time for evil
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Aaaa…CHOO!
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT