my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.