[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
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After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
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If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.