if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
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Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I think I’m having a stroke
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?