*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok