“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
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I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Challenge accepted.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems