Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.