[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.