The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it