Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Matt Goss
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
How your email finds me
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.