A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
How to find Kentucky on a map
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
A leaf blower, but for people.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.