rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
You Might Also Like
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.